Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
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