Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Paddy like a rockstar.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
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