What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
It's ice to meet you.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
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