What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
Fairies just spell trouble.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
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