I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
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