What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
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