Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
I like your tight end
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
I'm the life of the paddy.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Don’t be elfish.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
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