What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
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