Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
As it snow happens.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
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