Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
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