A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Wish upon a starfish.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Can’t pinch this.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
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