Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
"No wine left behind."
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Who’s your paddy?
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
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