I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
You're acute Valentine.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
"Having a good hare day."
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
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