Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
You’re my pot of gold.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
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