Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I cannoli be happy
Shell yeah.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
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