Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
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