How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Deja brew all over again.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Eddie edited it.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
I couldn't chair less!
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