Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
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