The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
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