I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
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