My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
We were mermaid for each other.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
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