Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
I beg your garden?
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
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