I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
when I’m with you.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
More candles means a bigger wish!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Rebel without a Claus.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Let’s list the froze and cons.
All things must grass.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
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