What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Ants in your plants.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
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