Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
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