In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
All things must grass.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
We’re in a-green-ment.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Say it ain’t snow.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
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