A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
You sleigh me.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Your love will always be up to par.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
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