Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Fairies just spell trouble.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
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