Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Werewolves love their fast food.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
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