Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
"Happy eggster."
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