What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
You’re brew-tiful!
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Dublin over in laughter.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
I beacha miss summer already!
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
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