Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
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