Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I beg your garden?
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
You’re my soul Santa.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Icy what you did there.
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