I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Join us for a slice of fun.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
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