What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I couldn't chair less!
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Love at frost sight!
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I can sea clearly now.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
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