The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Rebel without a Claus.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
I think therefore I yam.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
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