A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
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