“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
That look soots you.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
I “lub” you.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
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