When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Feeling my shelf.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
You're the ruler of my heart.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
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