Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
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