When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Distill my beating heart.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
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