What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
All punts are highly intended
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I have the final sleigh.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
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