What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
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