I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
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