A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
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