A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
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