What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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