Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
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