My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
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