What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
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