I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
It’s a winterful day!
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
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