Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
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