Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I scored when I met you.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Long time no sea.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
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