My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Deja brew all over again.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
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