Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Water you doing, my friend?
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Go to BabaMail
