Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Trowel and error.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
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