Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
I goat this.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
I love you and I ain’t lion.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
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