Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Nothing really mattress.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
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