As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Fir sure.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
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