I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
You are spud-tacular.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Say it ain’t snow.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
She has high elf-esteem.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
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