Shake your shamrocks.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
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