What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
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