Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I only have ice for you.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
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