Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
You are aged to perfection.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
You are spud-tacular.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
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