I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
"Back that glass up."
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
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