What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
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