My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
We make a great pear
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Life is brew-tiful!
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
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