Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
"Adulting makes me wine."
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
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