My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
People are always after me lucky charms.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
This foundation is rock salad.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
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