Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
"I need to re-wine my life."
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Long time no sea.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
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