Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
You’re my lucky charm.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Better read than dead.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
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