Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
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