What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Feeling fintastic.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
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