Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
I'm acorn-y person.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Have you botany plants lately?
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
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