"You're the wine that I want."
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
You have a pizza my heart.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
"Time to wine down."
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
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