Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
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