What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
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