What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Tropic like it's hot.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
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