A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Better read than dead.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Live to tell the tail.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Go to BabaMail
