What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
I scored when I met you.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Time to celery-brate.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
I love you and I ain’t lion.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
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