“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Wear green, or leaf.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
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