What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
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