A space fish is usually called starfish.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Salty but sweet.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
"Some bunny loves you."
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
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