What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
"Sip happens."
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Get in the swim this summer.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
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