What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
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