What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Go big or go gnome.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Something’s goat to give.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
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