I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
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