What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
I'm pine-ing for you.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
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