I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
You’re my lucky charm.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Salty but sweet.
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