What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
He threw three free throws.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
"Great minds drink alike."
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
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