What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I can heartly wait to see you.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
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