What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
This is snow laughing matter!
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
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