What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
I pitcher us together forever.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Don’t moss around.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
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