What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I beg your garden?
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
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