You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Prepare to be bowled over.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
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