How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Thank brew very much.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I’m feelin’ green.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
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