What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I'm acorn-y person.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
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