In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
"You're the wine that I want."
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
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