How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
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