Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
You don't know jack-o-lantern
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
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