What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Snow on and snow forth.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
I’ll never fir-get.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Fir sure.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
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