What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
He threw three free throws.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Everybody romaine calm.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
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