Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Beach you to it.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
I beacha miss summer already!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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