If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
"I've found some bunny to love."
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
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