Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
We make a great pear
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
"Have a hoppy Easter."
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
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