Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
He threw three free throws.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I love you from my head tomato
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
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