What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
I love you berry much.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
We bee-long together.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
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