Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
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