Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
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