What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Distill my beating heart.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Hold on for deer life.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
I think you're mer-mazing.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
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