I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
"Some people have no guts."
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
You met all of my koala-fications
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
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