I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
You have a pizza my heart.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
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