My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
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