What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
That was thaw-some!
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
"I make pour decisions."
It was mitten in the stars.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
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