Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
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