What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Don't even chai.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
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