What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
It's lit.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Can I be Candide with you?
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
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