I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
"I've found some bunny to love."
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
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