Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
I sulfur when you argon.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Sips getting real.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Hold on for deer life.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
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