When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
when I’m with you.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
We make a great pear
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
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