Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I have bean
thinking about you.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
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