An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
He threw three free throws.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
You’ve been working too yard.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
To get to the other tide.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
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