After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
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