Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
French, French Revolution
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Icy what you did there!
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
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