Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I’m kind of a big dill.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Get in the swim this summer.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Car puns are really tiring
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Icy what you did there!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
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