A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
You snooze. You booze.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
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