Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
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