I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Life is brew-tiful!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
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