My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Case in punt
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
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