I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Thank brew very much.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Time to spruce things up.
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