What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
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