Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Birch, please.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
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