Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
Birch, please.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What is the study of real estate? Homology
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Go big or go gnome.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Go to BabaMail
