Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
In on the ground flora.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Join us for plenty of play action.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
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