What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
It’s worth a shot.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Time to spruce things up.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
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