Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
He’s an elf-made man.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
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